Doctor Who

Doctor Who

Saturday, August 15, 2009

You're so naive, yet so

As human beings, we always seem to take, take, take, but never give. Neither you nor I are exempt from this. We are a selfish race. We don't seem to understand that what we are given is a gift, and no matter how much we are given, it's never really enough. Even while being aware of this, I know that I am still guilty of selfishness.
I know that what I may write both now, and in the future, will sound extremely selfish [especially when I rant about other people being selfish]. And I don't care. If others are allowed to be selfish, then so am I. If it is accepted, to an extent, as part of being human, then shoot me for being human.

On another note...

Do you ever get those days where it feels like all the walls around you are crashing in all at once, and you have absolutely no hope of keeping them all up? Those days where you can feel yourself suffocating under the weight of a million different emotions?
Do you ever feel that perhaps you've suppressed too much emotion, and you fear that one day soon it will all just burst out in one, leaving you completely empty? That you still can't talk about your couldron of bubbling emotions to anyone because although you're scared it will overflow, you don't want to seem as though you are making a big deal over nothing, or re-opening old wounds?
Do you ever get those days where you feel as though you truly are dying?
I get them alot, and today is one of those days.
People seem to take that the wrong way. "I feel like I am dying." They seem to think I want do die. Or that I am being a drama queen. Or that I am sick.
But no.. Sometimes, I just get those days where I feel like I am dying. I don't feel sad, or angry, or happy, or excited. None of that. Just a build up of frustration inside of me that feels as though it is eating me from the inside out, just like a poison. It often takes alot of my strength to keep my body from convulsing with frustration. I can't even explain what goes on inside my brain, or the way my body feels when it happens. Then I think I am probably crazy. I'd have to be, right? To have something like that happen inside of me?
And then I find myself having one of THESE little rants to myself, in my head. So now, I figure.. Why not let EVERYONE see. Let everyone see how loony I really am. I mean, I can't really hide it for much longer, can I?

I am tired of being told I am not good enough. I hear it pretty much every day. I don't think she realises how much I do for her. Does it not count that I listen to absolutely every whinging comment that comes from her mouth? Does it not count that I think about her before I think about myself? Does it not count that I exhaust myself with worry, anger, hurt and frustration at the things she says to me? Does NONE of that count? So I might not do everything she asks me to do. I might forget to do something I've promised to do. But can she really blame me, with the other things she presses into my mind? I am sick to God of living in a one way street. Always listening, and never talking, because the minute I open my mouth to say something about me, she's using a past, more serious thing to relate to, and once again, whatever I have said just gets pushed to the back of the line while I have another listening session.

But that's okay. It's not all her. I frustrate myself, too.

Is it seriously not possible for me to just entirely move on from something that happened almost 4 years ago? Is it not possible for me to grow the fuck up and just be happy with what I have? Is it not possible for me to appreciate what I have, and what I am given, and fully recognise that it's better than what alot of people have? I have a roof over my head. I have a comfy bed to sleep in, with as many pillows and blankets as I please. I have games, toys, a computer, a phone, music... The list goes on. I have two loving, caring parents, and an extremely wonderful brother whom I rarely fight with. Is none of this enough for me? Can I not, for just once in God knows how long, be HAPPY? I don't think I even know what happiness is...
And no, I don't pity myself. I hate myself. Lack of self control.

What more can I say?